Dr. Lawyer? What the HELL is a Dr. Lawyer? I've often asked myself this question, laying in bed awake, between ostrich-themed night terrors (a grand story for another time). I'd ask "Who is this elusive and handsome Dr. Lawyer? And why does this name continue to PURGE my mind?"

Well, wouldn't you know it, just the other night while I was thinking about this, a man passed by my third-floor window. A man who I didn't know or recognize, but for some reason I just knew deep inside he was both a doctor and a lawyer.

Then it hit me! We never finished the third episode of Dr. Lawyer! Well, right away, I faxed a very rude letter to my good friend and Dr. Lawyer animator IDontKnowCorp, who responded with some ridiculous claim that he sent me the file to upload years ago. I don't know what any of that nonsense was about, but on an unrelated note I found a file called "Dr Lawyer 3 upload to NG" on my desktop. Hopefully that'll be a good enough substitute for whatever stupid thing you guys wanted.

Finally, after seven years, you can watch the stunning conclusion to Dr. Lawyer here:

Dr. Lawyer is chugging along!

Just yesterday, I looked through the latest version of Episode 3 for my side role as the quality control specialist/nitpick pest, and I saw that IDontKnowCorp unintentionally listed his real name in the credits. That's how the internet predators get to you, y'know? So I quickly called him up to let him know.

He answers the phone, then boom. He gets kidnapped by a group of wild coyotes. Surprisingly organized, considering. Suffice it to say, they left a ransom note demanding my Limited Edition Dr. Lawyer Silverware Set in return for my buddy (one piece of silverware for each body part). Now, that's not a huge deal, because all I really need is one of his arms, his head, maybe his chest, and we're pretty much good to go. Thing is, I don't negotiate with coyotes (they can't talk), and more importantly, I don't want to have to eat my noodles with a spoon, so I don't want to give them my vintage Hairdresser Lawyer fork.

Anyway, I just left it up to the cops. Apparently, this kind of thing isn't called in very often, so I'm not exactly sure of their status. Last I heard, they called it something like a "victimless crime," this and that legal mumbo jumbo. They'll probably get around to it eventually.

In the meantime, I've been fixing Dr. Lawyer myself. I've already replaced half the characters with myself, and have replaced most of the dialogue with "SushiGummy is just the coolest guy." Y'know, just the necessary stuff to get it out of the way.

I project that IDKC will probably fight his way through the coyotes and find his way back sometime in the next few weeks (blaming me like he always does), so yeah, we're really making some steady progress here. I'd like to say Episode 3 may be out sometime in the next few months. And boy, is it glorious.

Hey all.

About a week or two ago, IDontKnowCorp, the lesser creator of Dr. Lawyer, told me that he had finished animating the second episode. I told him "Oh no you din't" and proceeded to spend the next week pointing out every little thing I personally didn't like within the video. I even crushed his spirit a few times, a victory I will treasure for years to come. I'm keeping his tears in a Tupperware for later.

The point is, I forgot to feed him and now he's dead. With nobody around to animate Dr. Lawyer, I was left sitting in front of a computer ranting about life with nobody to follow my ridiculous demands. It didn't do much, so I decided to just upload it.

Dr. Lawyer Episode 2 is now available for you to treasure for many, many minutes to come. About seven.
http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/610022

Pssssst

Hey, I'm going to show you something super-cool, but you have to promise not to tell anybody, especially IDontKnowCorp. I don't think his fragile heart could take it if he knew I was giving out secrets left and right. Just the other day I was telling somebody about the bald spot on his shoulder and he literally combusted right in front of me. Yes, literally.

I don't want to relive such an incident, so before you scroll down to see the picture I have posted here, I ask that you go to your local bookstore and buy a Bible/Necronomicon/self-help pregnancy booklet to swear on. Then, with your hand on the front cover, recite the following:

"I, (your name), solemnly swear to live the rest of my life under the condition that I shall never reveal to the Newgrounds user referred to as IDontKnowCorp about the disclosure of the image the Newgrounds user referred to as SushiGummy shared on a news post on the morning of December 29th, 2012, nor will I mention the bald spot upon the shoulder of which the user SushiGummy, amidst his humble and loyal intentions, mistakenly revealed to the public."

Are you done? Did you do it? Alright, you can check out the image, just be subtle about it.